100 Years of Sleep-itude, by Frances E. FitzGerald

I’m as romantic as the next long-married, 60-ish woman who has to put down the toilet seat and use earplugs at night to block the sound of snoring. But I’ve often been skeptical about the “Sleeping Beauty” fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm. This 16-year-old girl has been in a coma for a century, and a hot young prince wants to lock lips with her? Let’s think about this.

First consider Sleeping Beauty’s flowing tresses. You may ask, “What flowing tresses?” Indeed. Prolonged coma has been linked to hair loss and, after 100 years, you can bet her scalp is as smooth and shiny as a baby’s butt. Whatever “crowning glory” she may once have had, it now lies scattered, drab and brittle, on her bed linens.      

Second, consider the bed sores that develop on the skin after a decade or 10 of lying still. These become open sores, which—fairy tale notwithstanding—are not attractive. You say the prince is looking for inner beauty? Well, he’s going to have to dig deeply to get past the related bone, blood, and skin infections. It might help if he were near-sighted.

It might also help if seasonal allergies have dulled the hot young prince’s sense of smell. Sleeping Beauty hasn’t showered or shampooed  in a very, very long time. All that time, she’s been stewing in her own juices. Your grandmother may have told that that women don’t sweat, they “glow.” But 100 years of “glow” is likely to knock over the hot young prince and probably his entire army.

 

Perhaps, in your yearning, romantic heart, you convince yourself that the prince can see (and smell) past Sleeping Beauty’s bald pate, pressure sores, and “glow.” You tell yourself that true love knows no bounds. Trust me: Love—whether true or false—knows bounds. Plenty of bounds.

Remember that our girl has not flossed or brushed in a hundred years. Imagine someone who has not flossed or brushed since World War I, before women in the U.S. even had the vote. Our hero is facing bloody gums, loose teeth, and bad breath. I don’t care how besotted he is. Kissing a mouth like that takes more than mere heroism. It takes the sweet oblivion of heavy sedation and, as far as I know, the prince does not have a script for Valium.

Also consider that this poor girl has not eaten for a century. Not even the casual apple, granola bar, or feeding tube. After getting true love’s kiss (because it’s going to take true love to get past that dental hygiene issue), Sleeping Beauty is more likely to swoon into the hot young prince’s arms because of low blood sugar than hormonal delirium.

Here’s my suggestion. Hot young prince, go find girl who’s awake. Check out Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel, or that high-maintenance princess who loses sleep over a pea. Better yet, check out Beauty in “Beauty and the Beast.” And Sleeping Beauty, you could do worse than the Beast. He may be a hirsuite control freak, but nobody understands as well as he does that looks (and personal hygiene and intact teeth) aren’t everything.