Leave the Turkey out of This, a one-act play by Heather VanHartesveldt

Characters

RICHARD, the dad, CEO of a local bank

CLARA, the mom, housewife

LESLIE, the oldest child at 30, newly divorced

DERRICK, the middle child at 28, a musician

SARAH, the youngest child at 25, an accountant

MICHAEL, Sarah’s fiancé, 25, engineer

Setting

At RICHARD and CLARA’s house. In the dining room at Thanksgiving. The present.

Lights up to reveal the whole family, minus CLARA, sitting at the dining room table. The turkey is missing and each person is making small talk with the person next to him or her.

There is sound from stage right (the kitchen).

CLARA enters onto the stage from stage right carrying a platter with the turkey on it.

RICHARD, the husband, oohs and awes.

CLARA: (Smiling.) Here it is!

RICHARD: Looks good, hon.

CLARA: Well, it better. I’ve tested this new recipe twice this week.

MICHAEL: What did you do with the other turkeys?

CLARA: Froze them. You never know when you’ll be in the mood for turkey.

LESLIE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah, for sure.

(CLARA moves in between LESLIE and DERRICK, who are sitting on the left side of the table. She places the turkey in the center.)

DERRICK: Watch the elbow, Ma. You almost got my eye.

CLARA: (Moving away from the table now, toward her chair, which is across from her husband.) Does it look like we have everything?

SARAH: It looks good, Mom. (She sends a reassuring nod toward CLARA as her fiancé, MICHAEL, rests his arm on the back of her chair, waiting for the go ahead to start eating.)

RICHARD: Everyone dig in. There’s no point in waiting any longer.

LESLIE: (Grabbing her napkin and waving it in the air to unfold it, dramatically.) What, we’re not going to say Grace?

CLARA: (Ignoring the sly comment.) Will someone pass the squash?

DERRICK: Salt, anyone? Can’t see over these damned centerpieces.

MICHAEL: Over here. (Holds the salt up and leans forward to give the salt to DERRICK over the bushy centerpieces.)

SARAH: Les, pass the green beans.

LESLIE: You’re still the only one who likes these disgusting things, you know that? (Picks up a heavy bowl and holds it out in front of her to pass it to SARAH.)

SARAH: (Forcing a smile as she takes the bowl.) Only because you remind me every year.

RICHARD: Rolls? Who has the rolls?

CLARA: (To Leslie as she picks up the roll basket.) Pass these rolls to Daddy. (The basket makes its way down to the other end of the table, where RICHARD is already prepared with a butter knife.)

DERRICK: I feel like my plate is missing something.

LESLIE: (With a snort as she looks over at DERRICK’S full plate.) You’re not high again, are you?

CLARA: Leslie, honestly.

DERRICK: (Ignoring LESLIE.) The turkey! I forgot the turkey.

SARAH: Here, take some of mine. I took too much. (Picks up two pieces between two fingers and tosses it onto DERRICK’S plate, which is being held out over the centerpieces. It’s quiet for a few minutes as everyone gets settled. Conversation starts as RICHARD clears his throat.)

RICHARD: So, Leslie.

LESLIE: (Stuffing a heaping scoop of mashed potatoes into her mouth. She knows what is coming.) Yes, Dad?

RICHARD: Are the kids with Simon today?

LESLIE: If they weren’t, they’d be here, so, yeah.

SARAH: Has he married that woman yet?

LESLIE: (Glaring.) No.

CLARA: It’s only been a few weeks since the divorce was final. He wouldn’t do that. (SARAH glances at MICHAEL, who sinks lower into his chair as he spears a piece of turkey.)

DERRICK: You’re right. (Pauses.) He didn’t bother waiting for the divorce to get involved with that.

CLARA: Oh, hush.

LESLIE: It’s true, Ma.

RICHARD: (Wanting to change the subject.) Michael, how’s work? Making good money?

SARAH: (Looking quickly over at her dad, surprised.) That’s none of your business, Dad.

RICHARD: (Laughing.) I’m just making some conversation!

MICHAEL: (Scooting up in his chair.) Work’s fine. I’m leaving for London in a couple of days, actually.

CLARA: Hopefully, you won’t be leaving all of the wedding plans to Sarah.

LESLIE: Yeah, the last thing I want to do is pick out thank you cards with her.

DERRICK: Because you’re not thankful for anything?

LESLIE: Funny.

SARAH: We’re splitting the plans. There’s nothing to worry about.

CLARA: Have you picked a place? Joanne from the gardening club owns this vineyard and would love for you to use it.

SARAH: (Glancing at MICHAEL.) That’s not really our style, Mom, but thanks.

DERRICK: What’s your style? (Sends a look to MICHAEL.) My band can play.

MICHAEL: That’d be cool.

SARAH: No! (Getting an eyebrow raise from DERRICK.) I mean, isn’t your band heavy metal?

LESLIE: Not your style?

(SARAH glares at LESLIE.)

CLARA: I’m not so sure that’s to many people’s taste.

DERRICK: What’s that supposed to mean?

CLARA: Nothing. I just mean…

RICHARD: (Interrupting.) She just means that not everyone, especially the kind of people who’ll be there, gets that kind of music.

DERRICK: What kind of music?      

SARAH: What kind of people are going to be there, Dad? I hope you don’t expect your  business buddies to be front and center at our wedding.

RICHARD: No, but it’s a common courtesy to invite these people, since they’ve known you your whole life.

SARAH: Sorry, Dad. That’s not happening.

(MICHAEL keeps eating, letting everything play out.)

LESLIE: This is why I went to the courthouse to get married.

CLARA: And because you were seven months pregnant.

MICHAEL: Here we go.

LESLIE: (Setting down her fork.) My kids are seven and nine, and you’re still not over me getting pregnant before getting married?

RICHARD: This probably isn’t the time for this. Really.

CLARA: You had your whole life ahead of you.

LESLIE: (Slapping her hand on the table. A rattling of silverware and dishes follows.) I still do!

CLARA: It’s just not what a mother wants to see.

LESLIE: (Offended.) Right, I forgot you want all of us to be as perfect as Sarah with her fancy wedding and well-off boyfriend.

SARAH: Hey! Don’t bring me into this.

DERRICK: You started it.

SARAH: (Surprised.) How?

LESLIE: Oh, please, Sarah. Cut the crap. You’ve been trying to outshine Derrick and me our entire lives, and Mom and Dad couldn’t be any happier.

RICHARD: (Getting annoyed.) That’s not true.

SARAH: It hasn’t exactly been hard to outshine you two!

DERRICK: Nice.

SARAH: (To LESLIE.) Derrick is high most of the time he’s around, and you’ve been so damned messed up your entire life!

DERRICK: How else am I supposed to face this family? You’re all crazy about your sports cars and gross turkey recipes…

CLARA: (Screeching over DERRICK.) Leave the turkey out of this!

DERRICK: … let’s not even get started about the family priorities.

LESLIE: I can’t even take this. (Stands up, pushing her chair out from under her.)

RICHARD: Sit down, right now! We haven’t even gotten to dessert.

SARAH: You ruin every holiday with your dramatics and warped opinions, Leslie. Get a life.

LESLIE: (Glaring as she hovers near her plate.) Oh, you haven’t even seen my dramatics. (LESLIE reaches out toward the bowl of mashed potatoes, squishing her hand in the center and pulling out a fistful.)

CLARA: Don’t you dare!

DERRICK: Oh, shit.

(LESLIE pulls her arm back before sending the mashed potatoes soaring toward SARAH, where they fall right on the front of her shirt.)

MICHAEL: Oh my God.

SARAH: (Screaming.) I can’t believe you just did that! (SARAH grabs the bowl of cranberries, sending it flying toward LESLIE, but she ducks. The bowl shatters on the floor, splattering on DERRICK instead.)

CLARA: (Becoming hysterical.) Stop right now!

RICHARD: We just paid a fortune to get these floors done. If you ruin them, you’re out of our will!

DERRICK: (Grabbing a handful of squash, hitting MICHAEL and SARAH.) Count me out!

(DERRICK, LESLIE, and SARAH are all standing now, reaching for different foods on the table, sending them toward each other as MICHAEL sits shocked next to his fiancé. CLARA and RICHARD scream at the kids to stop.)

LESLIE: (Shouting as she heaves gravy toward her younger sister.) Hope you didn’t spend a fortune on that sweater, Sarah. Won’t be getting this out any time soon.

SARAH: (Looking down at her dripping white sweater.) You’re a bitch, you know that?!

DERRICK: She knows!

(LESLIE smashes two hands full of squash onto DERRICK’s cheeks, laughing crazily as he follows suit with his own food-covered hands. Food from SARAH’s side of the table comes flying their way as RICHARD runs off toward stage right as he yells something about the police.)

CLARA: Stop it! Stop this right now; I’m serious!

LESLIE: Mom, lighten up! (Throws squash at CLARA as DERRICK loads up with handfuls of turkey to use on his mother.)

CLARA: I’m done with all of you, do you hear me? Done! (CLARA runs off toward stage right to find her husband. LESLIE and DERRICK look at each other, catching their breath, and SARAH slowly sinks into her seat.)

LESLIE: (To DERRICK.) Ambush them in the kitchen?

DERRICK: (Thinks for a second, but then grabs the bowl of green beans.) This is payback.

(Both DERRICK and LESLIE run toward stage right, where immediately afterwards, we hear screams and laughter from the kitchen. SARAH turns toward MICHAEL.)

SARAH: (Out of breath.) How do you feel about marrying me now?

MICHAEL: I’m not going to lie; having second thoughts.

SARAH: (Smiling slightly, trying to hold in a laugh.) How about we just do holidays at your house?

MICHAEL: That’s the best idea you’ve had.

SARAH: (Looking directly at him.) Good.

(MICHAEL runs his hand through SARAH’s hair, pulling out a glob of potatoes as the screaming continues in the kitchen. Both of them sit there for a minute, looking at the mess, listening to the chaos.)

MICHAEL: Want some potatoes?

THE END